The FFVIII Christmas Carol.
by Alan Smithee
Summary: Fundraiser production of "A Christmas Carol" + Large amounts of alcohol and psychotropics + little sleep= this.


It was a normal Christmas Eve in Balamb Garden. Students were either gearing up to go home and visit their families, or just celebrate the holiday at their school if they had none. There was a large amount of cheer in the whole place...except for one person.  
  
"Squall! What are you getting me for Christmas?" Rinoa asked.  
"...", Squall replied.  
"Come on! I'll tell you what you're getting...."  
"...Whatever."  
"Okay! Shoot!"  
"..."  
"MEANY!" Rinoa stomped off, leaving Squall alone.  
"Yes, I got rid of her. Now, to give a Christmas wish to all of the people at Garden..." Suddenly, Squall recieved a message.  
"Garden, what's up?"  
"Squall! It's your old buddy Raijin over at Galbadia, ya know?. Winhill's been starting some shit with us, trying to have free elections and stuff, ya know? We tried to wait until they were off guard. We know they're mostly Christian over there, so couldja send some SeeDs over so we can just massacre them tomorrow?" Raijin replied.  
"How much money are you talking?"  
"We can give you 100,000 gil per SeeD sent," Raijin replied.  
"Let me think about this..."  
  
Squall then took the intercom.  
"Greetings, students of Garden. I was to rock the com here to wish you all a Merry Christmas and a good time for all the people who were going on holiday leave with their families. However, I've just recieved a call. The Galbadian government has just recieved our services to help them on a blatantly evil mission to massacre people in Winhill tomorrow while they observe Christmas. All SeeDs' leaves are cancelled, and they will be expected to head to Winhill to do this. That is all." Within an instant, Zell burst down the door to Squall's office.  
"WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM? CANCELLING OUR HOLIDAY LEAVE TO DO BUSINESS WITH THE GALBADIANS?" Zell shouted.  
"Zell, I know of your...uneasiness of this mission. Please direct your concerns to my secretary...MY ASS, AFTER YOU KISS IT!" Squall replied.  
"But I've been in check with my family, man!" Zell whined.  
"Oh, come on now! You don't have a family! SeeD is your family!" Squall shouted.  
"You're insane. You'll get yours, man." Zell left his office, leaving Squall alone.  
"ENJOY WINHILL, I HEAR IT'S GREAT THIS TIME OF YEAR!" Squall shouted.  
  
That night, Squall went back to his dorm. He knew he had a big battle the next day, so he went to bed.  
"Squall...." a voice whispered.  
"...What? Rinoa? You're ready to feel the passing shower...all over you?" Squall muttered.  
"Squall...."  
"What? You, Quistis, and Selphie are ready to go 3-on-1?"  
"SQUALL! GET YOUR ASS UP!" the voice yelled.  
"All right, all right, I'm up! What's your problem?" Squall asked.  
"Do...you...recognize...me?" the voice asked.  
"Should I?"  
"Dude, it's Seifer! Come on, you don't remember me?" Seifer replied.  
"Oh. What's been going on? I heard from the grapevine you were killed in that whole hostile takeover of Galbadia. Seems you weren't, so let's talk..."  
"IDIOT! I was killed! But I'm here to try and talk some sense into you!" Seifer replied.  
"What's the message?"  
"You're going to regret the decision. I shouldn't be telling you this, but..."  
"But what?"  
"These three ghost dudes will be visiting you tonight. I don't know what they want, nor do I care. Listen to them, or else you'll end up like me."  
"Okay, okay, now can I go back to bed?"   
"Sure, man. Get back to your perverse dreams." Seifer headed out the door.  
  
Squall headed back to sleep. Suddenly, a knock was heard at his door.   
"Squall? Wake up!" the voice replied.  
"What? I'm up! I'm up!" Squall stumbled to his feet. "Who are you?" he asked.  
"My name is Cloud. I am the ghost of Christmas past. What's going on?" Cloud asked.  
"Not much. So, where are we heading?"   
"We're going back to the earliest memories you've had to steer your worldview today." Cloud and Squall headed back in time. Within an instant, they were in a pub in Winhill.  
"Raine! Some...soljers are at the door!" Ellone said.  
"Do they look like Laguna?" Raine asked.  
"No...they look...diff'rent." Ellone let the two into the pub.  
"Who're yoo?"   
"Greetings. My name is Cloud Strife, the ghost of Christmas past. This is the much older version of your little brother Squall." Cloud replied.  
"Oh. Hi." Ellone replied.  
"Charmed." The two just headed in to just see. Suddenly, two Galbadian soldiers stormed into the pub. "Do you believe in God?" the soldiers asked.  
"Um, yes. He'll bring my Laguna back to me..." Raine started to go into it as she was shot dead, sending the baby Squall to the ground.  
"What happens then?" Squall asked.  
"Well, we're going to look at your thoughts at the time..." Cloud replied.  
"Mommy? Mommy? Are you...asleep? Wake up mommy! Why won't you wake up? Damn those people! My mommy's gone! All of Winhill will pay for this! If I ever get the chance to massacre every person in this town for not saving my mommy..."  
"Ah, I see." Squall replied.  
"Yes, let's jump ahead a few years."  
  
"Okay, kiddies! It's Christmas today, so you all know what that means!" Matron yelled out.  
"YAY! SANTA!" All of the children in the orphanage gathered toward the nearest chimney. Cloud and Squall headed downward.  
"Huh?"  
"It's Santa Cloud!" Zell shouted.  
"You idiot! It's Santa CLAUS!" Seifer replied.  
"WAAAAHHHHH!" Zell cried as he ran out of the room.  
"Hey, little me! What's been going on?" Squall asked his younger counterpart.  
"Hey!" Younger Squall said. "That's me with Santa Cloud!"   
"Oooh..." the others said.  
"Just out of curiosity, do I ever become a mercenary? Do I ever spend time lording over people? Do I get to send people to massacre an entire town? Do I hang out with Cloud pretending to be Ghost of Christmas Past?" Younger Squall asked.  
"You ask too many questions, and I don't really know. Now, what was I supposed to look at here?" Squall asked.  
"Just watch."  
"Okay, Edea! It's time. You have to do this."  
"Okay. Ellone?" Edea asked.  
"Yess, Matron?" Ellone replied.  
"I'm going to need you to go with these nice men for,um, cake! Yeah. Say goodbye to all of these people..." Edea sent Ellone away.   
"Sis! Sis! Come back!" The children yelled, with Squall's voice leading the way. "Older me! Santa Cloud! Can't you stop them?"  
"I would if I could, dude." Squall thought to himself.  
"We've got to go..."  
  
"Whoa. That was fucked up," Squall thought. Suddenly, a knock appeared on his door. The door mysteriously opened. Some hot Latin music blasted.  
"Will you quiet down? People are sleeping!" Squall asked.  
"GREETINGS, SQUALL! I AM SANCHO, GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT! AM I NOT SO SEXY?" Sancho ran in, shaking his bon-bon.  
"Come on! You're not the ghost of Christmas present!" Squall shouted.  
"OF COURSE I AM! I AM SO SEXY! WHEN THE WOMEN SEE ME THEY ALL GO 'AY DE MI! SANCHO!'"  
"You're not Sancho! You're renowned fanfiction writer Alan Smithee in a suit with a bad Latin accent!" Squall shouted.  
"I AM MOST CERTAINLY NOT! DO YOU WANT PICTURES OF ME WITH PEOPLE LIKE RICKY MAR-TAN...IN BED????"  
"Just show me what you have to do, 'Sancho.'" The two headed towards the Quad.  
"Here is the closest example. This was supposed to host a grand gala. Partying, music, all of that stuff that makes Sancho love life! However, it won't go on because of you." Sancho proceeded to hit Squall in the face. "THEY BOOKED SANCHO TO DO HIS MUSIC AND SHAKE HIS BON-BON! NOW IT WILL NOT BE!"  
"I'm..sorry?" Squall was soon whisked away to another area.  
"As you can see, this is where that guy who threatened you lived. Do you not see the stuff?" Sancho asked. They walked in.  
"Where's Zell? I cooked his favorite...hot dogs? Is he...hurt? He wouldn't miss Christmas unless he was...deaddd!" Mrs.Dincht asked. As she realized that, her heart gave out.   
"As you can see, your idiocy cost that woman her life! She will never see her son! Never see Sancho shake his bon-bon!Never experience truly living...IN BED!"  
"Geez, way to put on a guilt trip. Don't hate the playa, hate the game!"  
"WILL YOU LEARN? I'll have to leave this one, me y Julio are heading to cruise for some chicas!" Sancho headed out of the building.  
  
"Well, that's two. What's next?" Suddenly, the room went dark. "I AM THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS YET TO COME..." Squall turned on the lights. "Zidane? What are you doing here?"   
"Well, geez, could you say that a bit louder? I don't think my mother heard you!" Zidane yelled.  
"Let me guess. Future?"  
"Of course. Come on." The two headed into a place with a big sign that said "BALAMB GARDEN 10th REUNION."   
"Whoa. My reunion already?"   
"Yes. Your actions caused all of these things." They headed over to the front. Cid took the microphone.  
"Greetings, students. It is time for you to give welcome to our unofficial master of ceremonies, Sancho!"  
The crowd cheered as Sancho came to the front.   
"Hey, I recognize the woman with him! Isn't that...Quisty?" Squall asked.   
"Of course," Zidane replied.  
"But why? Quistis always had such...standards! Why would she want a guy who's just the insane alter-ego for a fic writer?"  
"She saw too much wanton violence in the 'Christmas Day Massacre.' She wanted to find the least violent place to be in the world. Sancho was it." Zidane replied.  
"What happened to everyone else?"  
"You'll see...."  
"What's been going on?" Selphie asked.  
"Nothing. I'm still with the cutest girl here," Irvine replied.  
"Whoa, they've let themselves go..." Squall remarked.  
"They were so disillusioned they had to leave SeeD after the massacre. Left, got married, crapped out some kids, you know. Irvine's actually an early morning kids-show host now." Zidane replied.  
"Where's everyone else?"  
"Well, Zell died...." Zidane remarked.  
"What?"  
"Yeah. When you sent him to battle, he wasn't with his mother when she died. So depressed about it he killed himself. Tragic, really," Zidane replied.  
"And what about the rest?"  
"Now, I'm happy to bring you to the most important part of this one: The awards! As you know, I am Rinoa, the former girlfriend of our commander during our time. I would like to bring about my loving husband and current commander, Gerogero!"   
Gerogero headed out to applause. "BRAAAINNSSSSS..."  
"Before I begin, it is with sadness that I give proper respect to those of our class who couldn't be here tonight. A moment of silence for our classes' casualties: Seifer Almasy, Zell Dincht and Commander Squall Leonhart."  
"WHAT THE FUCK?" Squall asked.  
"Oh, I forgot to mention? You are a SeeD, aren't you?" Zidane asked.  
"Um, yes!"   
"Exactly. During the massacre, you were the first fatality suffered for the SeeDs. Ended the skirmish, actually..."  
"NO! I have to change this! ZIDANE, HAVE MERCY ON MY SOUL!" Squall yelled out.  
  
"Whoa. It was all a dream. I haven't sent them out! I can still have some time to save myself!" Squall thought. He quickly ran out of his dorm to the front gate.   
"I'm sorry, people, but this has been cancelled. I'll call up Galbadia and tell them we refuse ASAP. Go home! Merry Christmas!" Squall yelled.  
"YAY!" The SeeDs shouted. Squall ran out to the Quad, where Cid and Edea were putting the finishing touches on the decorations.  
"Squall? We were just waiting for the SeeDs..." Cid replied.  
"It's starting early. The mission's off!" Squall replied.  
"It is? That's great!" Edea replied.  
"I know! Have you got the stuff for the party?"  
"Of course. We got some food, some drinks, oh, have you met Sancho? He's providing the music..." Cid replied.  
"Charmed!"  
"I did meet him, though!" Squall replied.  
"Oh? How?" Edea asked.  
"I went through one of those Charles Dickens 'Nightmare with a message' things, you know..." Squall replied.  
"Oh, I wouldn't say it was like Charles Dickens, more like something else..." Cid replied.  
"Oh? What?" Squall asked. Suddenly, Cid underwent a morph into Harry Potter while Edea turned into Marilyn Manson.   
"You see, Squall, you've actually underwent one of those Twilight Zone things where you wake up...IN HELL!" Edea-Manson replied. The Garden area soon turned into fire and brimstone.  
"WHAT?" Squall asked.  
"Oh, it was nothing, really. We got Seifer to make up some sob story and slip you something to make you groggy. Then Zell went into your room at night and cast Sleep to make it official..."Edea/Manson replied.  
"After that, Irvine just went into your room and blew your brains out while you slept! I guess the joke is on you, huh?" Harry/Cid added.  
"You know it!" Squall, Harry, and Marilyn laughed. 


End file.
